tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post2167525049536641126..comments2024-03-22T13:08:07.977-07:00Comments on Margo Kelly: Hone Your Skills BlogfestMargo Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13474612650116392270noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-20886710644972186472011-03-25T08:47:18.908-07:002011-03-25T08:47:18.908-07:00Congratulations Margo! You won the voting part of ...Congratulations Margo! You won the voting part of the Hone Your Skills blogfest! Email me at charity.bradford@gmail.com so I can get your electronic gift card sent to you.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-88831911903054188142011-03-17T20:45:43.206-07:002011-03-17T20:45:43.206-07:00To me, this piece highlights a hypocrisy in life -...To me, this piece highlights a hypocrisy in life - don't hit women, they don't deserve it, no matter what they do. But men hitting men, or even women hitting men (the slap, for example), is far more socially acceptable. In today's age of 'equality', why is this the case? <br /><br />Great piece. Very thought provoking.Cally Jacksonhttp://callyjackson.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-18805795603912949912011-03-16T19:23:26.201-07:002011-03-16T19:23:26.201-07:00Hi Margo,
Well done! This piece is gripping and fu...Hi Margo,<br />Well done! This piece is gripping and full of emotional suspense. You pull the reader straight in with action, and don't let them go. I really like what you've done here.<br /><br />I will agree with Charity, that I would like a little more resolution here. I felt a little hung out there, wanting more, in the same way the Michael clearly is.<br /><br />This other point is relatively minor, but did his mother pull him out of the car? I pictured him still sitting inside the car, and then he's in the dirt and she's driving away. I'm not sure how he ended up out there.<br /><br />All in all, great job. Thanks so much for sharing :)RosieChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07911305246379355484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-870199781060187282011-03-16T16:12:36.044-07:002011-03-16T16:12:36.044-07:00WOW! I just want to punch that woman's lights ...WOW! I just want to punch that woman's lights out and I want to principal to help Michael.<br />I would suggest that when we are in Michael's head, Sally (not the prettiest girl in school), we hear it from more of a fifth grade tone. I don't think he would think like that. He might be thinking Sally had long straight brown hair and she wasn't very pretty... just change it up a bit. The whole thing... when he approached her, she laughed loud, too loudly...<br />Other than that it was incredible. I was left so sad for him. I hate sad endings. I write humor :)Jane Isfeld Stillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13875546211314356483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-60160911075460283522011-03-16T13:47:52.016-07:002011-03-16T13:47:52.016-07:00I love the irony of this piece! It sounds like th...I love the irony of this piece! It sounds like the women in his life were very deserving of being hit. <br /><br />My suggestions would be in the placement of your description. In stead of mixing the description of the mom with the description of Michael in the first paragraph, I would focus on Michael there. Then, give us a good look at his mother right after the slap, when we know she has Michael's -- and therefore our -- complete attention.<br /><br />That final confrontation is absolutely chilling. Very well done.Shellihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03068094486297918345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-3246256477813501222011-03-16T10:16:06.311-07:002011-03-16T10:16:06.311-07:00You definitely got my heart breaking for the poor ...You definitely got my heart breaking for the poor boy. Very tight and deep POV well done. I also was brought out by the description of Michael. Maybe you can work out how he looks by how he is affected by others. Like, she towered over him, etc..Mynehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07595087387069634003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-80525832852356635122011-03-16T08:56:55.194-07:002011-03-16T08:56:55.194-07:00Hi Margo. This is just a note for now to tell you ...Hi Margo. This is just a note for now to tell you that I'll be reading your story in the car on my way out of town. I'll post my comments later tonight. Thanks for participating! :)RosieChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07911305246379355484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-50575679540855579812011-03-16T08:47:34.242-07:002011-03-16T08:47:34.242-07:00WOW!!! Talk about emotional impact! I loved the de...WOW!!! Talk about emotional impact! I loved the details like "her hair flipped him in the face" (nice play on being flipped off) and the hard gravel bit into his chest.<br /><br />Nothing jarred me in my first reading, that's a really good sign. Second reading: I think you could trim out a couple sentences to make it read tighter and smoother. Here's some suggestions that you might be able drop:<br /><br />"Michael looked up at her as she strode out of the principal’s office." (how would he look up at her if she's got his ear? That would involve twisting - painful!) <br /><br />He stood motionless as she opened the back door to the sedan and glanced around the parking lot. <br /><br />Michael watched as she situated herself in the front seat.<br /><br />"Small statured and bone skinny, Michael lunged toward Sally and tackled her" - I'd drop the small statured and bone skinny part - this is in his POV; would he be thinking about himself as he lunges?<br /><br />Powerful excerpt.Margo Berendsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929885462293344093.post-39926865786858302862011-03-16T06:58:13.960-07:002011-03-16T06:58:13.960-07:00Hi Margo! Thanks for participating in the blogfest...Hi Margo! Thanks for participating in the blogfest. There is so much simmering emotion in this piece--so much being said without being spoken. <br /><br />Things I really liked: <br />1. I love the contrast of the title and the principal's words "never hit a woman" with the fact that the mother is physically abusive. It's a sad truth, but often women are the aggressors. Michael is trapped between how he should act and the fact that means he has to take the abuse.<br /><br />2. You did a great job making me hurt for Michael. I don't know how old he is exactly, but I could feel his frustration and helplessness.<br /><br />Things you can tighten:<br />1. I wanted to know how old he was. When I read about him wanting to take a chance on the girl, I thought he was asking her out at first. Later I realized it was just someone to sit with, but her response sounded mature too.<br /><br />2. I wanted some kind of justice or more definite resolution to the story. This is just a personal preference. The story just kind of ended and I still had questions, and still wanted him to find peace and love somewhere.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.com