Sunday, March 20, 2011

Blogfest: Show Me the Voice!


Ha, coincidence that my last post was on the craft of voice, and now today, here's a blogfest on the same topic!

Well, the amazing Brenda Drake is hosting a BLOGFEST judged by agent Natalie Fischer. Cool, eh?

Here are the first 250 words from my finished manuscript, THE EDUCATION OF THIA (working title ... I'm considering changing it, but I'm having trouble deciding! Ack.)

Since the contest is based on VOICE - - let me know what you think:

Some old dead guy once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step. Obviously. I only wish I’d noticed sooner where my steps were taking me. One of those first course-altering steps happened on a cold November morning.

My best friend, Janie, arrived at my house later than usual to walk to the bus stop. She chattered on about her new fluffy snow white parka. Her words bounced in rhythm with her black ringlets, and even though she had a hood, she would never smash her perfect curls just to stay warm. The crisp air made the tip of her nose red, but the rest of her face remained alabaster white. She continued to talk as fast as she walked. I simply smiled and nodded. We’d been best friends for years, and at thirteen, having a friend made riding the bus bearable – on a normal day.

We arrived at the bus stop and scanned over a dozen people for Tim and Josh. They stood on the other side of the group. Tim shoved Josh jokingly, and a cloud of white air escaped his mouth as he laughed. He glanced in my direction, and his smile paused. His blue eyes made my heart accelerate. Tim looked cuter than ever with his bomber hat and rosy cheeks.

Janie whacked me on the hip. “Omigosh, Thia. Here they come. Smile.”

While Janie hoped Josh and Tim would ask us to the upcoming school dance, I hoped to speak to Tim without sounding like a complete dope.

11 comments:

  1. Hi, Margo. I like how this begins. It provoked a question and kept me reading. You've quickly established Thia's voice, the relationship between the two girls, and their different personalities. Nice writing! :)

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  2. I like this. Especially the description of Janie's hair. I could picture it perfectly. The only thing I'm struggling with is determining the characters' ages. I'm assuming this is YA based on your MC's voice in the first paragraph? But there's something about the girls' exchange that felt middle-grade to me. I can't really put my finger on it. It's so hard since we only get to read the first 250, so maybe that clears up within the next paragraph. Anyway, I'm very interested to see what you're foreshadowing.

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  3. I love the voice. I'm not a big a fan of beginnings that announce this is how the story begins, but I did love your first two lines.

    Omigosh sounds kind of young, which might be what bugged Christine about your dialogue.

    Good luck. I would read on to find out what went wrong with her day.

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  4. The voice is definitely there!

    I wonder if you could skip from that first paragraph down to when they arrive at the bus stop, incorporating the info about Janie there or later. That would get us to the action sooner, which is important in both YA and MG.

    Good luck with the contest!

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  5. Very good excerpt. It's obviously a YA/MG piece. The voices sounds very authentic for a young person. Hope you do well.

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  6. Hi Margo. I know your name from Christi Corbett. Love your voice and the intro works for me.

    Only one small suggestion:

    Some old dead guy once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step. Obviously. I only wish I’d noticed sooner where my steps were taking me. One of those first course-altering steps happened on a cold November morning.

    INSTEAD OF USING "STEPS" TWICE ... CONSIDER ...

    I only wish I’d noticed sooner where mine were taking me. One of those first course-altering steps happened on a cold November morning.

    Love your voice. Good luck in the contest :)

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  7. Margo, I liked the opening of your story. I did wonder if "first course-altering steps" was a phrase a young girl would use.

    I signed up for my first A-Z Blogging Challenge, #472, and saw your blog listed so I just stopped by to say "Hi". I look forward to reading your "alphabet" posts in April.

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  8. This was great, love the voice. Pitch perfect first paragraph and consistent all the way through. Great job!

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  9. The voice is there but I agree with Vicki, getting to the action quicker might serve the story better. Good luck with this!

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  10. I really did enjoy this - but from what others are saying about getting to the action sooner, maybe you could work in a mention of the boys thing, or give a more obvious hint about what's going to happen, early on. But personally I kind of liked how it unfolded. And I love the moment when Tim looks at her - it took me back to being in primary school with my first love :P

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  11. Apart from a few extraneous adverbs,there's a vivid evocation of time and place here.

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