Book Review: THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE by Bessel van der Kolk

 

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Oh. Boy. This was a challenging book to read, but so worth the effort and time! I highly recommend it.

Trigger warning: this book goes into explicit detail when relating examples of trauma. I tried to skim some of those examples, because I didn't want to internalize it all, and sometimes I had to set the book down for a while after reading the heartbreaking details of other people's trauma.

This book explains so much valuable information. Now that I've finished reading, I will go back and review the highlights, bookmarks, and notes I made throughout it. I'll journal about those points and discuss them with my therapist.

While I dread the idea of working through my own trauma, I am excited at the idea of healing my broken bits. This book has left me feeling hopeful for a brighter tomorrow.

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Book Review: INTUITIVE EATING by Tribole & Resch

Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach by Evelyn Tribole
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book broke me. Seriously.

I've always known I had issues with food, but I had no idea my issues ran so deeply. This book was a huge eye opener for me. After reading it, I realized I had to seek help from a professional therapist--someone to go through the book with me chapter by chapter to discuss what issues were triggered for me and how I could resolve them. So I researched therapists who specialize in disordered eating, and I met with four to try to find a good fit for me. Interestingly enough, all four therapists told me that I do not have disordered eating and I do not need a therapist who specializes in that. They all told me I have unresolved trauma and I need a therapist who specializes in PTSD and trauma work. Huh. Imagine that. So now I'm meeting weekly with a therapist who assures me that once I've dealt with the trauma from my past and once I learn new coping mechanisms, the food issues will be resolved. I'm dreading having to face all that old junk, but I am excited to heal my broken bits. Wish me luck. ...

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Book Review: IF I UNDERSTOOD YOU, WOULD I HAVE THIS LOOK ON MY FACE? by Alan Alda

When I was first offered an early copy of this book for review, I thought, sure! I mean come on -- it's Alan Alda -- it has to be entertaining, right?

Oh. My.

Entertaining is not a singularly correct word for this book. Alda's book, IF I UNDERSTOOD YOU... is engaging, educational, enlightening, and entertaining. For my complete review, scroll down.

From the Publisher

Alda is an acclaimed actor, star of M*A*S*H, writer, and director, whose many years of interviewing guests on PBS’ Scientific American Frontiers led him on a quest to develop ways to help us learn how to communicate better. In his new book, Alda reflects on moments of miscommunication in his own life, and teaches us ways to build empathy, use improv games, storytelling, develop a mind-reading ability, and more, all in an effort to improve the way we relate and talk to others.
     
With his trademark humor and frankness, Alda digs into the heart of what it means to be a true communicator: being able to read another person so well, you know what they’re thinking and feeling and are able to be in sync with them. Alda has seen this kind of engagement facilitate real communication in a wide range of settings: within families, between lovers, at the office, between doctors and patients, and between scientists and the rest of us.

“Sit back and enjoy Alan’s scientific journey of communication”--Barbara Walters

“A distinguished actor and communication expert shows how to avoid "the snags of misunderstanding" that plague verbal interactions between human beings…. A sharp and informative guide to communication.”—Kirkus Reviews


About the Author

Alan Alda has earned international recognition as an actor, writer, and director. He has won seven Emmy Awards, received three Tony nominations, is an inductee of the Television Hall of Fame, and was nominated for an Academy Award for his role in The Aviator. Alda played Hawkeye Pierce on the classic television series M*A*S*H, and his films include Crimes and Misdemeanors, Everyone Says I Love You, Manhattan Murder Mystery, Bridge of Spies, and many more. Alda is an active member of the science community, having hosted the award-winning series Scientific American Frontiers for eleven years and founded the Alan Alda Center for Communicating Science at Stony Brook University. Alda is the author of two bestselling books, Never Have Your Dog Stuffed: And Other Things I’ve Learned and Things I Overheard While Talking To Myself.



My Review

Alan Alda's book, IF I UNDERSTOOD YOU... is engaging, educational, enlightening, and entertaining.

Most importantly, it answers the question: What should I buy as a gift for everyone I know?

Seriously. 

I will be buying multiple copies of this book to give as gifts for Father's Day, Graduations, Birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, Weddings, and every other possible occasion that needs a gift given. Simply because the book, IF I UNDERSTOOD YOU..., will be a terrific tool for parents, students, public speakers, psychologists, and anyone else who needs to communicate well, which is all of us!

Alda's content focused quite a bit on the perspective of scientists and their need to communicate well, and the content fell a bit short when it dealt with business professionals and their needs. However, Zig Ziglar will always be the master of business and sales communication skills. So if you want to improve in that specific area, turn to Ziglar's books.

With that said, I've read a LOT of books and I've attended a LOT of seminars on how to improve my communication skills and this book by Alda is absolutely fabulous. I kid you not when I say that I will be buying multiple copies for people I know.

I highly recommend this book to everyone.

Here's an example of one of the exercises in the book:

[Thank you to FSB Associates for providing me with a copy of this book for review. This in no way influenced my opinion.]

#IWSG: Writing Research - Emotional Flaws

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's time for an Insecure Writers Support Group post!

http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/

IWSG Question of the Month: What is the weirdest / coolest thing you've ever had to research for your story.


Oh . . . I research SO MANY FABULOUS things! It's one of the best parts about being a writer.

Lately, I've been researching and studying emotional flaws, which is more interesting the more I learn about it.

Here are two great sites with more information about character flaws:

Fascinating discussion on the topic of flaws. "Every one of us has a fundamental flaw, an immaturity of character, a dark side or negative tendency." More:
http://personalityspirituality.net/articles/the-michael-teachings/chief-features/
(this is also the source for the image above)

List of over a hundred different flaws: http://darkworldrpg.com/character-flaws/




What would you consider your emotional flaw?

Or if that's too personal, what is the emotional flaw of the main character in the story you're currently working on?

Do Demons Really Exist?

We've all heard people use phrases like: 

"What possessed you to do that?"
and / or
"The devil made me do it."

These phrases bring us to a basic yes or no question:
Do demons really exist?

The answer is not simple, and before we can even begin to answer it, we must understand the definition of the word demon.

Dictionary definitions of demon:
1. A demon is a supposed evil spirit
2. A demon is a personal fear or anxiety that torments someone

So … which is it? Do you believe that a demon is a supposed evil spirit? Do you think a demon is a personal anxiety that torments someone? Or do you think it’s both?

By choosing the definition you agree with, you acknowledge that demons do in fact exist.

Yes, demons do exist. 
Now, we might disagree on the precise definition, but we agree on the existence.

Stereotypically, there are two schools of thought regarding demons. Religious and secular.

RELIGIOUS

If you’re religious or spiritual to some extent, you probably believe demons are evil spirits that whisper in your ear, toy with your emotions, or to an extreme, possess your mind.

According to psychiatrist and born-again Christian, M. Scott Peck, “the distinction between ‘human evil’ and ‘demonic evil’ is crucial” (1) 

And according to an article in Psychology Today, “The Roman Catholic Church’s official diagnostic criteria for discerning genuine demonic possession … includes speaking in tongues … supernatural physical strength, and visibly negative reactions of the victim to prayers.” (1)

However, secular psychiatrists will argue that many of these symptoms can be “seen in the most severely [mentally] disturbed patients.” (1)

For example, some of you might remember the Andrea Yates case from 2001. She claimed that she was possessed by Satan himself and he compelled her to drown her five children. “In her second trial, Yates was found not guilty by reason of insanity…” (2) Was her demon a personal anxiety that tormented her? Did she suffer from a mental illness such as postpartum depression? Schizophrenia? Or was she possessed by an evil spirit?

SECULAR

If you lean more to the secular side, one that’s not as concerned with religious aspects, then you probably agree more with the psychiatrists who explain that these so called demons are actually your own inner fears and anxieties that have not been dealt with properly.

Dr. Leon Seltzer wrote, “If you’re tightly ‘in the grip’ of something, it’s really a recessive part of your own being that’s ensnared you and it’s probably a part so foreign to how you’d prefer to see yourself that you can hardly withstand the temptation to see it as not really you at all.” (3)  Dr. Seltzer continued, “The consensus of mental health professionals today is that the source of most—though certainly not all—so-called ‘evil’ thoughts and behaviors is linked to growing up in a seriously dysfunctional family.” (4)

http://www.uv.es/cultura/c/docs/exppinacotecapsiquiatrica09cast.htm

Either way – religious or secular – an evil spirit or an unresolved personal anxiety – a demon can torment and endanger your sanity.

And the bottom line is: Yes, demons do exist.

...

[This post is part of a series leading up to the release of my novel, UNLOCKED, which will be published later this year by Merit Press. I extensively researched mental illness and demons for the plot. Feel free to join the conversation in the comments, because I find this topic highly fascinating!]


Sources:
1) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/201201/the-devil-inside-psychotherapy-exorcism-and-demonic-possession (page 7)
2) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/201201/the-devil-inside-psychotherapy-exorcism-and-demonic-possession (page 8)
3) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201506/enough-about-inner-demons-already (page 2)
4) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201506/enough-about-inner-demons-already (page 3)
5) Credit for bottom photo: http://www.uv.es/cultura/c/docs/exppinacotecapsiquiatrica09cast.htm

FEAR of Your Lover IS an Aphrodisiac!

So, last post I delved into the topic of Bella and Edward from TWILIGHT, and how she fears he might drink her blood. I also mentioned that a smart person from another blog wrote:

Fear of your lover should not be an aphrodisiac.

Well ... whether it should be or should not be ... it is.

Think about it. Some women have:
1. One Night Stands
2. Affairs
3. Fantasies of being with the bad boy
4. Flirt fests with the bouncer/linebacker/drug dealer/teacher/best friend's boyfriend/boss/etc.

All of the above items (and more?) involve an element of fear. Fear of your lover and the potential harm he could cause to you and/or your family.

But! I'd like to take it a step further and have you consider that fear is also an aphrodisiac with a SAFE boy/man/lover/husband. Seriously. Unless you're a rock, you have feelings. Feelings that could be dangerous if you trust the wrong person or even the right person at the wrong time or in the wrong place. Otherwise, why would people have sex in elevators, on airplanes, in libraries, in movie theaters? They do these things because they have become safe in their relationship and they want to bring back some of the fear-aphrodisiac.

Even if you and your safe partner only have safe sex in a safe place, there can still be an element of fear. During sex you are exposing yourself more than at any other moment. If something, anything, goes wrong, your inner most core could be damaged. What could go wrong with a safe partner in a safe place? A lot of things. Just use your imagination.

But! Let's take it even a step further. Maybe it's not FEAR at all that is the actual aphrodisiac.

Maybe, in fact, it is TRUST.

Trust that even though your boyfriend wants to drink your blood, you have faith that he loves you more than that blood-drinking-desire. Trust that your football-playing-linebacker will leave his aggression on the field and never hit you. Trust that your safe-devoted-husband will never make fun of your ever-growing-love-handles.

Trust trumps fear.
And, that, is the climactic aphrodisiac.

Fear of Your Lover Should not be an Aphrodisiac

I took the above title from Regina Barreca, Ph.D.. She wrote a series of blog posts for Psychology Today on the topic of the TWILIGHT phenomenon and why teens love it, and she hates it.

Sometimes, I am a little slow, and so I had to read the words a second time. Here, you can, too:

Fear of Your Lover Should not be an Aphrodisiac

So, what do you think about that? Do you agree that Bella's fear of Edward drinking her blood is an aphrodisiac? And do you think this concept is damaging to teenage girls? ... heck ... all women?

Do you think some girls/women date men, love men, because they are dangerous? What about when you were a teenager? Were you attracted to the dangerous boys or to the safe boys?

Regardless of where the feminist movement has brought us, most of the teenage girls I know still lack self-esteem. I don't think it's something you can GIVE to another person. I think it is something they must learn and discover for themselves. It just so happens that most of us go through that learning phase as young women. But, I know plenty of women (including myself to a certain extent) who continue to struggle late into their lives with self-esteem issues.

So, if there's a man totally devoted to your every desire and need, is that enough? Or does there need to be an element of danger as well? And frankly, is it healthy to hope for, want, or need a man to be THAT devoted to you? Shouldn't he have a life of his own? Hobbies? Friends?