Okay. So, one of my critique partners (shout out to Shannon) sent a query for critique to the A.MAZ.ING. Elana Johnson. I read the before and after versions, and could NOT click fast enough to get myself over to Elana's website.
Here's how it works:
Click Here to go to Elana's website.
Then download her book, From the Query to the Call, for $10.
With the purchase of the book, you then get to send Elana your query.
She critiques it and sends it back to you.
My critique pal sent her revised query out and lightning fast got a request for a full from a top-notch agent!
Wanna read my before and after queries? Here ya go:
Thirteen-year-old Cynthia Reid (Thia) falls in love with an internet predator. Of course she doesn’t know Mike is a predator. She just wants a boyfriend, and her over-protective parents won’t let her date until sixteen. So, hooking up with a boy during an online game seems like the perfect solution…until Thia’s mom catches her emailing innocent pictures. Then she loses her computer for weeks. When Thia finally gets it back, she learns that Mike attempted suicide in her absence.
Out of fear and guilt, Thia gives Mike her cell phone number, because she doesn’t want to be responsible for his death. The burden becomes too heavy to bear, but she doesn’t know who to trust. She knows Mike would never lie to her, because he loves her, and she chooses to believe him over her friends and her parents. As her online relationship with Mike intensifies, Thia’s real world begins to crumble. Her friendships shatter, her lies come more easily, and her relationship with her parents teeters on the brink.
Thia’s life spins out of control when her mom calls the police after discovering text messages from Mike on Thia’s phone. But even after Thia is shown evidence of who Mike really is, she stills chooses to believe Mike…until he shows up on her doorstep as a forty-five-year-old man.
Inspired by actual events, The Education of Thia is a 62,000 word young adult novel.
This is a multiple submission, and three agents are currently reviewing the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Thirteen-year-old Cynthia Reid desperately wants a boyfriend but her parents won’t let her date until she’s sixteen—so she turn to the Internet, where she finds Mike. When Thia’s mom catches her hooking up with Mike during an online game, and then finds out she’s been emailing him innocent pictures, Thia loses her computer. When she finally gets it back, she learns that Mike attempted suicide in her absence.
She’s convinced Mike loves her, and would never lie to her, but as her online relationship intensifies, Thia’s real world begins to crumble. Her friendships shatter, her lies come more easily, and her relationship with her parents teeters on the brink.
When Thia’s mom finds text messages from Mike on Thia’s phone, she digs for answers. Even when Thia is shown evidence of who Mike really is, she doesn’t believe her mom—until Mike shows up on her doorstep.
He’s a forty-five-year-old man.
So... what do you think? Which one do you like better? I vote for Elana's version, and I can't hardly wait to send it out. I've had to use massive amounts of will power to not send it... but I really want to make a few additional revisions to the ms before I send it. I don't want to "waste" any full requests!!
Go visit Elana's website and buy her book! Purely amazing critique.
Hi Margo, I read your before and after query letter and I loved the after. I did see where you could remove the word "and" before the "then" in the first paragraph..."and then finds out". I found a great post on this at http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2010/05/159.htmlReplyDelete
Thought you would find this helpful, I sure did and you'd be surprised how much it cleans up your MS after you do this. Good luck with your endeavors and keep me posted.
T C Mckee
T C - Thank you for your comment!ReplyDelete
Yes, I liked the after also. It seems that it gets to the point quicker, with less background info. It also has a better ending.ReplyDelete